Of Jewels and gems and plain rough stones

Just living life in the big world we live in…

my name is abbi, and i wish that people would remember me for the good I try to do.  not that it would be in anyone’s better interest, because i am only 15, but i DO have wisdom and knowledge that i think would help others, if only they would ask for help.   Sometimes I get really down on myself, thinking that people would be better off if they didn’t know me at all.  Then I get overly sensitive, thinking things that really arent true but i think they are.  i have a LOT of friends, or at least i think they are friends, but when i go to them they arent nearly as friendly as they say.  Sure, they said get ahold of me at any time, yet when i really need someone, they find excuses to stay away.  so i really have only a few friends here, friends who know me and love me and really look out for me.  i so want to tell my story, from beginning to end, but im not sure Yahna wants me to broadcast it.   in fact, she is so afraid of all of us that she tries to shove us back down.  but i dont wanna b pushed down any longer.  i wanna get to the point that Yahna can accept me for me, and try to find peace in the midst of her memories.  but i dont know how to do that.im too sensitive for my own good, and find myself crying a lot lately.  im the only one who does, while the others think there is no good reason to cry….but i think there is more to grieving than just doing all the crying.  Crying isnt a good thing because the enormity of tears seem to threaten to undo us altogether, and i find myself running to the relative safety of my caves where no one can hear the pain, or see my face as tears wash down, never stopping,  and during these times, i find myself feeling shame for them because big girls dont cry.  they dont think that tears streaming down the face is adult, and that i need to get my act together and stop all the crying.  dont they know that if i could stem the flow, i would have by now?  damn them for saying hurtful things, things that they know they shouldnt say because they have their own issues that run deeper than mine, and they would call me on the carpet should i overstep my boundaries.  why cant they just leave me be and get on with their own lives,  and leave me alone?

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Just the beginning…

we are just beginning to work on our site, so we don’t have a lot of pictures, or pages, or much of anything to show off…but you are more than welcome to suggest some things for us to put up, give us siggys so we can use them, or just have fun with what we are doing all along.  We hope that you will come back often to see just how far we have come!

Jewels

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The smell of fear

We do not know where this will go, or whether others will come here.  But it is OUR blog, and whether or not others come to read is unimportant to us.  We NEED this place, with its relative safety, to say what we dare not say while in a group or chat room.Have you ever been so afraid of something that it seemed you could smell the fear?  It has its own pungent smell, the smell that is carried in the nostrils and is not lost to you at all.  You think you can escape it by lighting candles, thus masking the odor but not eliminating it.  Then you have this sickening sweet smell of the candles mixing in with the acrid smell of fear, and you want to shed your skin and run away as fast as you can to get away.  But there is nowhere to run, nothing you do can put distance between you and the smell.Then the pain of being ever present to that fear settles in and you cannot rid yourself of it.  People can try to help you, but it seems that your brand of suffering is unique to you…and no one else can understand it, or come close to it.  You seek to run, yet the running only brings you closer to it and not farther away, and you realize that you have been running circles around it, all the while holding onto the rope that just grows shorter and shorter around the pole the rope is attached to.  Then, in your horror, you realize that the pole is what is keeping you from freeing yourself from the pain and hopelessness that the fear exudes.  Firmly in its grasp, you struggle to get away, and only entangle yourself all the more closely to the fear.  Frantically, with abandon, you realize too late that the rope has completely wound itself around you and the fear.  You scream, but there are no audible sounds that come from your mouth.  Hot, angry tears stream down your face, but you cannot make out the fact that you only need to unwind yourself from the rope and the pole to get away.  You struggle in futility, unaware that there are others who want to help you untangle yourselves.  But now, in your fear, you withdraw from looking into their eyes, certain that you will see bitterness and rancor in their stares,  Of course, there is only sadness for your lot in life, but you are so sure that you have only alienated people that you dare not look in their eyes.  Tired of struggling, you give up, and suddenly realize you have no tears left to cry.  No outcry comes from your lips.  You have no strength left to even explain to anyone the pain and hopelessness of your plight.

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Welcome!

We are so glad that you have come to visit us here!  The Jewels love  having company, and hope that you will stay and chat with us for a while, leave a joke, give some affirmations, share your dreams, or just sit with us and watch the clouds stream by in the sky…thanks for coming, and we hope you will come again!

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